Freaky sh*t that Twilight normalized
In modern terms, we call this felony stalking
As a tween, three things had me in a chokehold: Twilight, Tumblr, and lacrosse. I know this is confusing, but remember that we are all layered at the end of the day. Do not try to put me in a box.
Listen, I know the Twilight series leaves much to be desired. The writing is catastrophic. The purity culture agenda is dated and unsubtle. The films (~films~) are cast in a permanent blue-light filter, reminiscent of when a college freshman discovers LED strips and turns his dorm room into the 10th circle of hell. They cast a somewhat tan actor to play a fully indigenous person. It’s riddled with mistakes and inconsistencies. But Twilight is also so accidentally camp, I cannot help but admire its many absurdities. (Lacrosse is also camp, but I cannot get into that right now).
In an ironic turn of events, only a few years after exiting my tweenage fog of war (Twilight fandom), I met a real life stalker who would go on to follow me online and in-person for over a decade. So in honor of the Twilight series returning to Netflix (God is good), and from real lived experience, I’ll be breaking down why Edward is a love obsessional stalker who belongs in jail.
Since this is science, I’ll use the DASH Risk Checklist (Domestic Abuse, Stalking and Harassment) as a guiding principal for identifying Edward’s numerous felony stalking offenses.
Disclaimer: While this is satire, stalking is a very serious and life-threatening criminal offense. If you’re at risk, call or text local law authorities or the VictimConnect Resource Center at 1-855-4-VICTIM .
This is the skin of a killer, Bella
Is she very frightened?
Let’s start with the basics. Bella is 17 years old when she moves to Forks, Washington and finds herself under the watchful gaze of a 104-year-old vampire trapped in the body of a junior at Forks High School. Is Bella afraid? She seems pretty smitten, but I think we should take a closer look. Here are some real quotes pulled straight from the source.
Here’s Edward, suggesting “gently” to Bella that she is not safe with him.
Ummmmmm…. okay? The bird locked in the eyes of a snake is a little melodramatic, but also perhaps not dramatic enough. Bella, the feelings you’re having in this moment are called female intuition. It’s time to go back to Arizona.
So you’re telling me this man has had 104 years to work through his emotional problems and this is what he has to show for it? We’re one-for-one on the risk assessment. Bella is intrigued, but she’s also terrified. Let’s give this a fat check mark and continue on. ✅
Has he vandalized or destroyed her property?
I’m so glad you asked. Is my mic on???? When Bella climbs into her truck to go visit her other lover, Jacob Black (Sharkboy), she discovers that Edward has more audacity than she ever could have imagined.
In this scene, Bella sneaks out of her house to avoid detection from Edward and her cop father (hot), only to find that her truck won’t start. Why, you ask? Edward tampered with the engine so she couldn’t leave her house.
Points for Edward? He’s handy and resourceful, despite the fact that horse and buggy were the preferred mode of transportation when he was growing up. Points against Edward? He snuck onto Bella’s property in the night to destroy her ramshackle Chevy pick-up and imprison her in her home.
It’s at this point that you might consider polyamory as a viable option for Bella. While it would have solved the love triangle issue, Jacob wouldn’t have had a chance to romantically imprint on Bella’s newborn daughter — the most out of pocket plot point ever written in human history.
Has he turned up unannounced more than three times a week?
Unfortunately for Bella, this man has all the time in the world. One could speculate that due to his permanent lack of sleep, he is not processing his childhood wounds or vampire traumas via REM, which could account for his antisocial behavior.
This man nearly died of the Spanish flu, was transformed into an immortal vampire by his hot doctor, watched everyone he loved die, killed people for food, and has been to high school more than once. The latter alone calls for sleep and therapy.
Here’s Edward coming clean about sneaking through Bella’s bedroom window to watch her sleep, within days of meeting her.
You know how there’s a Team Edward and a Team Jacob? What about Team Mike Newton? I know he’s kind of a wet towel but at least he didn’t break into Bella’s house? The bar is low and keeps getting lower.
To Bella’s credit though, if I woke up with Robert Pattinson hovering over my bed, I would also have mixed feelings of joy and terror. But she wasn’t living in a world where he played THE Cedric Diggory (rest in peace), so she doesn’t have that excuse.
All the time? Please find some hobbies, Edward.
Has he followed her or loitered near her home or workplace?
So, Bella decides to go prom dress shopping with her girlfriends in Port Angeles. She wanders off to buy some books (bookish queen!!!) and gets into some trouble. And who shows up?
Brief intermission to say that I’ve been to Port Angeles and it would be very difficult to find a prom dress there.
“Folding his large hands together slowly on the table” is unnerving, no?
Port Angeles is an HOUR from Forks so my guy is doing way too much. And a quick aside to ask if Volvo sponsored this scene?
YES BELLA. Yes it should bother you. All’s well that ends well, I guess. We’re glad Bella is safe. But it’s sort of like those nature documentaries when the gazelle escapes the lioness by wading into a river of crocodiles.
Has he made threats of violence?
How much time do you have? Here’s Edward after he scooped Bella up in his Volvo and sped away from Port Angeles.
I think that shiver might be a flight response???? So to be clear, when he says, “I don’t think I could restrain myself,” he’s talking about murder. Sure, maybe it would’ve been justified, but something doesn’t sit right about this 104-year-old man and his unbridled temper.
Have they ever been in trouble with the police or do they have an extensive criminal history?
It’s one thing to wrack up a few too many parking tickets, or maybe notch a minor-in-possession arrest after a college tailgate. But Edward might be taking things a bit far…
I’ve gotta say, I’m with Charlie on this one. And actually, now that you mention it, I’m with Charlie 100% of the time.
Closing arguments
So my beloved Fantasy Campers, and members of the Forks County District Court Jury, let me remind you why I have gathered you all here today. You have a decision to make.
Is Edward Cullen a felony stalker or is he a misguided, century-old teenage boy with a supernatural crush? Here is a short 2-question survey to determine his sentencing.
If you’re new here, welcome to Fantasy Camp. We always have room for more campers and sci-fi/fantasy fanatics. We actually just built a true-to-life replica of the Cullen’s house to fit more campers on site. There are no beds in the home, though, sorry in advance.
"Reminiscent of when a college freshman discovers LED strips and turns his dorm room into the 10th circle of hell." Incredible sentence and important essay. Also, I'm sorry you were stalked for 10 year WTFFFFF!!!!!!!!!
i love these creepy little freaks